Another girl, another tear-stained face staring at me from my couch. “Why does she keep taking him back? Why does she stay?” And, then, there is the question, that question that keeps the cycle of abuse circling yet another day, another decade.
“What is wrong with her?”
Friends, we are asking the wrong question. It isn’t about what is wrong with her. The question is “What is right with her?” What are the best parts of her and how are they being used against her? Because when I ask people to describe the friend, family member, coworker that they are worried about I get the same answers over and over. They don’t say, “Trailer trash, stupid, pathetic, no good at anything, needy, has daddy issues, poor, meek” No. Time after time, conversation after conversation I hear:
Hopeful
Selfless
Loyal
Smart
Confident
Strong
Loving
And, the one phrase I hear over and over “She is a light.”
She is a light. Precious girl- you are a light.
Because a light is what he needed. His soul was so broken and dark that he needed to break her to penetrate the sorrow of his own soul. If we know nothing else we know that toxic people are slippery and strong. In the toxic person’s quest to keep up appearances do you think they are targeting people who are weak, trash, stupid, no good, pathetic?
No. Of course not.
Hopeful
Selfless
Loyal
Smart
Confident
Strong
Loving
They want someone who is hopeful because they can be mean to her over and over again and then drop her the smallest hint of kindness and she will blossom with anticipation of the relationship taking a turn for the better. They want someone selfless who will give over and beyond despite their own selfishness. They want someone loyal who will defend even their worst actions because “you stand by your man for better AND for worse.” No matter how bad the worst becomes. They want someone smart. Less intelligent girls are more likely to say “This is too hard. I give up.” But not smart girls. Smart girls are used to working through problems and coming up with new solutions over and over and over. Smart girls will say “I know this relationship is hard, but if I just work harder than I can make it work.” They want someone who is confident. Someone who can get out of the car and put on a smile no matter what names she was called on the ride over. Confident girls can keep up appearances. Toxic people want someone who is strong. Strong enough to take it day after day and still manage to raise their children, show up for work, and have the energy left over to have sex after spending hours fighting. Toxic people need a strong girl so she doesn’t buckle under the nightmare.
But most importantly they want someone who is loving. – someone who would never hurt someone they loved on purpose or to get their own way – someone who would never consider the fact that there is a game being played or a war being waged – someone who would see past the toxic person’s weaknesses and find something, anything to love about this person no matter how dark their soul was – someone who would show up in the hard places over and over. – someone who wouldn’t just put up with bad behavior, someone who would love them through their bad behavior.
Hopeful
Loyal
Selfless
Smart
Confident
Strong
Loving
The question is not “What is wrong with her?” The question is “What is right with her?” because the cycle of abuse is going to continue if we keep trying to pull her out by her weaknesses. You don’t win wars based on your weaknesses; you win wars based on your strengths. Is she perfect? No, none of us are. But her worst parts are not what is keeping her in an abusive relationship.
Her best parts are what keeps her in an abusive relationship. And, her best parts are what will get her out of there.
Her best parts are what is being manipulated and her best parts are what will carry her home. Do you want to talk someone into leaving? Remind them of the best parts of themselves again and again. Write letters, send texts, send flowers. Remind them of their strengths and remind them that they are the light. Not him. A controlling relationship is about power and one person always talking down to another person. Don’t go to your daughter, sister, or friend and take a position of power and say “Okay. I know he has been telling you how to run your life, but it isn’t working. So, sit here and let me tell you how to run your life for a few minutes because quite honestly I can’t believe you are so pathetic that you have let this go on. I would NEVER put myself in that situation even though I’ve never actually been in that situation so I really have no idea how I would react. I’m going to talk down to you as if I know what I would do because I feel qualified to tell you how broken and pitiful you are. I’m hoping if I remind you how bad you screwed up then you can gather the strength to make a major life decision.”
Yeah, so it isn’t working. And it never will.
Her weaknesses aren’t what keeps her there. And, if we continue to fight the war against abuse with conversations about what is “missing in her that she would put up with that” then we will never save her. We will never save anyone. Because it isn’t her worst parts keeping her there, it is her best parts. Her best parts are what is being manipulated and her best parts are what will bring her home. Is she different? Confused? Emotional? Yep. Living in chaos would do that to anyone. It doesn’t mean she is broken or lost. It means she is human. And, she is using all her best pieces in overdrive to get through another day. She knows she has lost so much already, but she refuses to let go of her core. And, her core is
Hopeful
Loyal
Selfless
Smart
Confident
Strong
Loving
Use her strengths for her. Use her best pieces to solve the problem.
Don’t ask her to give up hope in the relationship. Reignite her hope in a life of peace.
Don’t ask her to give up being loyal to him. Ask her to be loyal to her children, her friends, herself.
Don’t ask her to be selfish. Remind her that she can’t give to the world if she can only give to him.
Don’t tell her she is dumb for trying to make it work. Remind her that she is smart enough to make the next chapter of life work.
Don’t remind her of the words he used to tear her down. Remind her of how great she has been at building herself back up despite someone attempting to strip her of her confidence.
Don’t tell her she was weak for taking it. Tell her she is strong for surviving it.
Remind her that she is not the problem, but she is the solution.
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